When you’re over somebody you just feel nothing for them. No hate, no anger, no love, no missing, no reminiscing, no hopes, no dreams, no nothing. You don’t even wonder anymore what it was you saw in them. Although you could rightly wonder about this. But one has just somehow processed that there’s no point. You just see them in the light that any other human sees them. Its doesn’t feel amazing really. It just feels like nothing. But the transition to this neutral feeling is nothing short of amazing.
I went hiking. It was hard at first. It reminded me of what we shared. But soon, it became just mine to enjoy again.
I danced salsa. At first each dance offered a few minutes of ecstasy, taking me out of my sadness, if only for a few minutes, but the more I danced, the less discontinuity there was between the ecstatic moments.
I was inspired to draw again. I have not had time yet. I will again.
I started a blog. I blogged about brief epiphanies, feelings and thoughts. Not all. Only ones free of ego which were true and had a positive twist. I blogged about why I love Cape Town. So that I could ‘take back’ the pictures I took of Cape Town to share with him.
I enrolled for a spanish course. Its a happy place and opened up a new social avenue in my life, and access to a language of many vibrant cultures of the world.
I dressed up and made myself up to enhance my beauty. I worked out to feel good and look good. I helped me feel beautiful and carry myself with confidence.
I wrote. About everything.
I cried. About everything. And then I stopped.
I bought a guitar. And played again. I was inspired to play again. I started teaching myself to read music and learn the note positions on the guitar. I have all these songs in me that may be able to come out one day when I know the language.
I realized I put other’s opinions, wants, needs, and feelings before my own. I started to change that. Its much more relaxing and I’m getting closer to being myself.
This is how I heal from heartbreak.
Ever heard a song that made you go out and buy a guitar and learn to play it?
I did not love you. I do not miss you. I don’t hate you. I never did. I am happy you were never there. I feel nothing about you being gone.
I cried at your funeral, I still cry sometimes. I feel bad for the way you died. Just the way I might feel sorry for a character in a movie who was just a ficticous stranger.
It hurts that you didn’t care enough to be around. It hurts when they tell me you were kind and generous despite your ways. You were not kind to me. You gave a stranger a car. You were kind like that. We walked kilometers in the rain.
I hated when mummy spoke bad about you. Not because it was unfair, but because it was her choice. It was her mistake. I was angry for very long. I know now she is human. I didn’t know. She was very young. Young people make lots of mistakes.
I don’t judge you. It still hurts. It is how it is.
When trying to figure things out, I fantasize about “what could have been”. Then I realize I have a better imagination than I give myself credit for.