When you’re over somebody you just feel nothing for them. No hate, no anger, no love, no missing, no reminiscing, no hopes, no dreams, no nothing. You don’t even wonder anymore what it was you saw in them. Although you could rightly wonder about this. But one has just somehow processed that there’s no point. You just see them in the light that any other human sees them. Its doesn’t feel amazing really. It just feels like nothing. But the transition to this neutral feeling is nothing short of amazing.
I went hiking. It was hard at first. It reminded me of what we shared. But soon, it became just mine to enjoy again.
I danced salsa. At first each dance offered a few minutes of ecstasy, taking me out of my sadness, if only for a few minutes, but the more I danced, the less discontinuity there was between the ecstatic moments.
I was inspired to draw again. I have not had time yet. I will again.
I started a blog. I blogged about brief epiphanies, feelings and thoughts. Not all. Only ones free of ego which were true and had a positive twist. I blogged about why I love Cape Town. So that I could ‘take back’ the pictures I took of Cape Town to share with him.
I enrolled for a spanish course. Its a happy place and opened up a new social avenue in my life, and access to a language of many vibrant cultures of the world.
I dressed up and made myself up to enhance my beauty. I worked out to feel good and look good. I helped me feel beautiful and carry myself with confidence.
I wrote. About everything.
I cried. About everything. And then I stopped.
I bought a guitar. And played again. I was inspired to play again. I started teaching myself to read music and learn the note positions on the guitar. I have all these songs in me that may be able to come out one day when I know the language.
I realized I put other’s opinions, wants, needs, and feelings before my own. I started to change that. Its much more relaxing and I’m getting closer to being myself.
This is how I heal from heartbreak.
Ever heard a song that made you go out and buy a guitar and learn to play it?
You will never get this. Neither literally nor figuratively. You won’t.
I see now where I am coming from. I see where you are coming from. There’s a reason you attempt relationships with people on continents other than your own. Its why I attempt relationships with people who are always leaving. It felt different this time, with you, but it was the same in the end. Just a different wrapping. A most inviting one.
I don’t hate you. Well at least not anymore. The bad feelings are almost all gone.
painting by Miriam Briks