It is very hard to see someone you love as someone you don’t love.
I went hiking. It was hard at first. It reminded me of what we shared. But soon, it became just mine to enjoy again.
I danced salsa. At first each dance offered a few minutes of ecstasy, taking me out of my sadness, if only for a few minutes, but the more I danced, the less discontinuity there was between the ecstatic moments.
I was inspired to draw again. I have not had time yet. I will again.
I started a blog. I blogged about brief epiphanies, feelings and thoughts. Not all. Only ones free of ego which were true and had a positive twist. I blogged about why I love Cape Town. So that I could ‘take back’ the pictures I took of Cape Town to share with him.
I enrolled for a spanish course. Its a happy place and opened up a new social avenue in my life, and access to a language of many vibrant cultures of the world.
I dressed up and made myself up to enhance my beauty. I worked out to feel good and look good. I helped me feel beautiful and carry myself with confidence.
I wrote. About everything.
I cried. About everything. And then I stopped.
I bought a guitar. And played again. I was inspired to play again. I started teaching myself to read music and learn the note positions on the guitar. I have all these songs in me that may be able to come out one day when I know the language.
I realized I put other’s opinions, wants, needs, and feelings before my own. I started to change that. Its much more relaxing and I’m getting closer to being myself.
This is how I heal from heartbreak.
Ever heard a song that made you go out and buy a guitar and learn to play it?
You will never get this. Neither literally nor figuratively. You won’t.
I see now where I am coming from. I see where you are coming from. There’s a reason you attempt relationships with people on continents other than your own. Its why I attempt relationships with people who are always leaving. It felt different this time, with you, but it was the same in the end. Just a different wrapping. A most inviting one.
I don’t hate you. Well at least not anymore. The bad feelings are almost all gone.
painting by Miriam Briks