I see the strength so clear in your composition, the comfort in your manliness. An air of confidence which only you have, which others have lost in the struggle for modern equality. I see in you a strong passion for survival. To beat the odds. To be silent and live above centuries of degradation and the wisdom in that. I see you now and feel a symphony of emotions: compassion, sadness, admiration, guilt, love, a desire to touch your silky skin, lusting you, loving you. Primal.
Disclaimer: I’m no expert, so all of what I write is only based on what goes on in my busy head from time to time.
This post is regarding my current experience with the rather ridiculous game which the unevolved man plays with women. I read alot of posts and blogs on relationships, particularly failed ones, particularly when I’d been emotionally burnt. The theme is usually the same. Don’t chase, don’t act desperate, do not give up your life and sacrifice your all, do not ask about commitment … blah di blah, di blah di blah. I always think, “who can you be but who you are?”
I don’t know if I fall into any kind of category of womanly behavior, I probably do, I just wouldn’t be able to say which one. Its hard to ‘watch’ onesself and be completely objective. What I do know, is that I’m rather interesting, quite easy going, have no problem doing things on my own and being alone. I have a good sense of humour, and I don’t look too bad either. But the outcome for me when it comes to romantic interaction basically seems like one which is experienced by the ‘desperate’ woman.
Basically, I think it comes down to partly my own fault because I do tend to be courteous and I usually am overly accommodating in general. I think its part of my upbringing to do my best to make people feel welcome and comfortable even if it costs a bit of sacrifice from my side.
I’ve tried following the popular relationship advice. Basically the advice is to be a feisty bitch, and go out and have a good life irrespective of what anybody else wants from you. Its possible, but often hard to do when one’s head is not fully in that space. To be honest, up to now this has worked for me in attracting that neanderthal-like male who plays that ridiculous game of chase if she’s being a nasty bitch and run when she’s being nice. In my opinion, this is kind of alright when it comes to a booty call, but I sure as hell don’t want to be playing this game in a long term relationship. So many women get caught up in this kind of thing for years with the same old monkey.
Its good to feel grounded, and have a couple of good booty calls who are chasing so fiercely, because I really don’t feel to go out of my way to accommodate them (mostly because I now only do what I prefer). One day though, I’d like to experience the interaction with a more evolved man. Maybe I’m too much of a monkey still to know and evolved man when I see one.
I went hiking. It was hard at first. It reminded me of what we shared. But soon, it became just mine to enjoy again.
I danced salsa. At first each dance offered a few minutes of ecstasy, taking me out of my sadness, if only for a few minutes, but the more I danced, the less discontinuity there was between the ecstatic moments.
I was inspired to draw again. I have not had time yet. I will again.
I started a blog. I blogged about brief epiphanies, feelings and thoughts. Not all. Only ones free of ego which were true and had a positive twist. I blogged about why I love Cape Town. So that I could ‘take back’ the pictures I took of Cape Town to share with him.
I enrolled for a spanish course. Its a happy place and opened up a new social avenue in my life, and access to a language of many vibrant cultures of the world.
I dressed up and made myself up to enhance my beauty. I worked out to feel good and look good. I helped me feel beautiful and carry myself with confidence.
I wrote. About everything.
I cried. About everything. And then I stopped.
I bought a guitar. And played again. I was inspired to play again. I started teaching myself to read music and learn the note positions on the guitar. I have all these songs in me that may be able to come out one day when I know the language.
I realized I put other’s opinions, wants, needs, and feelings before my own. I started to change that. Its much more relaxing and I’m getting closer to being myself.
This is how I heal from heartbreak.